It’s been a lot…

SDCC was just a few weeks ago?? Ooof

I did my first SDCC. I’m glad I did it. I debating on whether or not if I need to do it again. But I’m glad I did it!

Some highlights?
I met Kelly Sue Deconnick. 10/10 NO WORDS ALL FANGIRL.

And I met Patrick Horvath of Beneath the Trees Where Nobody Sees.
And I met Matt Mewhorter of the Cancer Owl. That was trippy as I’ve been aware of him in the cancer community for quite some time. There was a panel called “Cancer Con” with various cartoonists that were also cancer survivors. It was inspiration and interesting to hear of different ways to tell our stories.

If you’ve been to SDCC before, you know the aftermath can be like a cruel hangover. I was smart and took the Monday after off work. It wasn’t 100% relaxing – heat and foot problems = such fun.

The next day was possibly even worse? They say that when you get cancer, it’s the worst club with the best members. I have been fortunate to meet some of the most amazing human beings ever. A few weeks ago, a dear friend of mine passed from leukemia. It’s trippy to think of her not here. The more involved I get in the community as a whole, I know what the realities are and odds are my survivor’s guilt will flare up when things like this happen.

Speaking of survival – I’m officially 4 years post DMX today. It’s weird. I know the body keeps the score: I think my brain (and perhaps my ears) have been subconsciously giving signs that life is a lot. My ears so much so – I ended up at Urgent Care, to clear out my ears because I was that deaf from my plugged right ear. And of course then there’s managing the expectations of urgent care docs..because my right ear definitely was being extra (I have a photo incase anyone is interested in seeing what was in my ear).

The only other updates is that I’m addressing my foot issues. Yes, I have plantar fasciitis have had it for a while but this bout is more problematic. I also have learned that I have what is tarsal coalition in my feet. It’s a congenital birth defect. I have bones where there shouldn’t be bones because they fused together. Which also means I have limited flexibility in my feet. So that sucks. But I’m addressing it and will be back in PT starting tomorrow…

Until next time… this is the way.

cancerversaries meet birthdays

There’s a been a shift in the chaos this season. It’s safe to say that it (chaos) is still a thing, however, this is a good shift (I think). I also realize it’s been about 6 months since I last wrote.. so a quick couple of health updates:

• ears still suck but my hearing seems to be a-okay!
• I got an end date for Zometa & a potential end date for Lupron and anastrozle.
• I went to WonderCon & met the Tiny Chef Crew (picture or didn’t it happen, right?)
  
• Went to a whole bunch of doctor appointments, all within like 5 weeks. Things seem to be stable.

So I kind of hate this time of year if I’m honest. Cancerversaries are really weird in that they mark some sort of date where you got diagnosed or had a surgery or declared cancer free. And even weirder when they’re peppered throughout the year. For me, the day after my birthday marks the beginning of my 3rd (and hopefully last) cancer journey… so that means it’s been 4 years since I got diagnosed with breast cancer and would eventually learn about my PTEN mutation..The goal this time of year are to find ways to reclaim my birthday. Usually in the form of distraction of some sort. This year it was Disneyland with a librarian friend the Saturday before and not working on the day of my birthday, with the traditional meal of pizza for dinner…because..well…

Need I say more?

But truth be told, this year hits different. 4 years ago as things began to unfold more, I seriously began to wonder about a lot of things. One being if I would ever move out of my Mom’s house. Don’t get me wrong; I’m eternally grateful for support that I’ve gotten from her and continue to get, but at the same time when you have had cancer as many times as I have had, you see your friends and colleagues move forward with all these exciting life changes and you’re just going from doctors appointment to treatment to doctors appointment, with a side of showing up for work when you can. So this year just feels a bit different because a little over a month ago, I got my own apartment.

So yeah. Cha-cha-changes! I still have a lot to do and am working towards it. You know what happens when you had undiagnosed ADHD for 40 + years, multiple illnesses, career changes, and a slew of other mental health issues? Stuff piles up. So as I’m bringing stuff over, I’m also getting rid of stuff. Honestly, this is probably the way to move because I can figure out what works for me and I can turn it into projects as I continue to get the ducks in order.

So what’s next: I got a couple of check-ups in June, including a kidney ultrasound. So fingers & toes crossed for unremarkable because I am predisposed to kidney cancer.

I think that’s it?

Until next time.. this is the way.

New year, same chaos

Time flies where you’re running around depressed.. and thank goodness for the KPop Demon Hunters soundtrack for being a banger.. healing the honmoon (my mental health..)

I’m looking at my posts from 2025. And 2025 was definitely something. I fired my first medical professional because I realized they weren’t the right fit for me. My ears proceeded to get worse (which in turn effected my mental health). I did work on making clothes though. I need to continue with that.

I’ve officially had my first medical appointment of 2026. It was a doozy. The best way to describe my ears getting cleaned is like ripping bandaid off on the rawest part of your skin. But with using a vacuum. And having loud noises aggravating your PTSD. ENT did agree (offered up before I even had to ask) that my hearing should be tested, so that’s the plan in 2 weeks. ENT was concerned that he was going to make me cry when cleaning my ears, especially when he drew blood…..I did not cry.. I did grip the chair handles though for dear life..

I have a few goals for this year. Scrap bust more when it comes to sewing. Actually get my own place. I’m hoping to go to a few more conventions this year… try for whimsy. And make time for rest because I don’t think I did that enough this last year…

Until next time.. this is the way.

staycations and what not

Well September was something? I think something like 12 appointments. Some were a result of advocating for myself and others just routine follow-ups. I’ve had a few in October as well. I saw my ENT this morning and it’s always something. This here is an accurate representation:

For reference, I had to explain the scene to my ENT as he was cleaning my ears with tweezers and a vacuum, You know it’s bad when they pull out the mini vac..

In some ways, I’ve gone backwards in regards to my ears. In the last year or so my left ear (aka the good ear) has become quite problematic. So instead of being on a 5-6 month recall, we are officially bumped up to 3 months. This way I don’t have to worry about potential urgent care trips for the good ear. I’m a little disappointed, however my ENT is a good guy, so I’m grateful to have him in my corner.

Chelsey from OhYourSoTough posted today “In a world full of toxic positivity be authentic chaos.” Between that and learning embrace whimsy, I think I found new mantras. And of course Dolly’s “I ain’t dead yet.” And personal favorite “it’s my goal to make cancer my bitch.”

Today is the last day of my staycation. Have I done everything I wanted to? No. I want more time off! But it’s a good reminder that I need to force myself more to take breaks and slow down. I did see Jack’s Mannequin play over the weekend and I’m glad I did. I went by myself. Seeing “Swim” played live for the first time since all my health stuff hit the fan in 2022 was very cathartic.

Until next time.. this is the way.

tales from the tortured patients department…

Two posts in one week!? Who is this person making time to blog and update.

This week has been the week to make my brain deflate

When you’re on many pills and/or supplements, you utilize pill boxes. I realized Saturday night I would be short on one of my antidepressants by middle of this past week. I tried CVS. I tried my psychiatrist (both mychart and called his office). I tried CVS again. For the record: “it’s too soon” is the most infuriating response one can get from a pharmacy when you finally found a drug that works and you are starting to feel better mentally. Was told to contact my doctor’s office for a new prescription if I needed it sooner. I did that (so eternally grateful for my primary care coming through when I needed it). Then CVS tells me it’s out of stock and won’t be in for 2 days on the day I ran out. After some more standing up for myself, they were able to find it right around the corner from work.. but I’ve had issues with this particular CVS for a while and so I’m now trying a different CVS as I figure out a few other things. I was suppose to see my psychiatrist this Monday but he called yesterday to cancel said appointment due to a family conflict. When I finally picked up the call (because who picks up the phone when it states “No caller ID”), he greets me by the name of another patient… I started to read him the riot act about not getting back to me in a timely manner. Lots of things were said. I have not fired him yet. But I’m starting to explore some options that might be better suited for me in the long run.

I don’t like feeling like I’ve been mean. Maybe this is my people pleasing recovering. But telling a doctor “you’re treating me for anxiety and you’ve definitely exasperated it this past week” ? It felt good to stand up for myself.

This week I’ve also become the person to use an airtag for my keys. I guess the chemo/adhd/trauma brain has caught up with me enough to realize that it might be worth using one.

I also would like to give a PSA/reminder WE DO NOT COMMENT ON PEOPLES’ BODIES. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT SOMEONE IS GOING THRU. To those that are flattie baddies & have a little bit of a buddha belly like me: I see you and I love you all. Why the PSA? Someone that I didn’t know asked me when the baby was due this past week. Then took it to a whole new level when they’re like “well maybe next time” when they inform you that you are not pregnant.

My sincere gratitude and love for my friends in the cancer community and close friends who have supported me this week. I’ve been on the verge of tears and laughing at the same time because sometimes that’s all you can do.

Until next time.. this is the way.

3 years

Time flies when you’re in fight mode.

3 years ago today I had my DMX. I initially got reconstruction and I will say those were an awkward 3 weeks. My decision to remain flat was a good one. Doctor’s really need to give that as an option – especially when you’re on the younger side. I remember some aspects of that day. And coming home the next day.

So, updates? There are a few things in flux (more on that later) but I’m working on the brain stuff. I think I found a new mix of drugs that seem to be working. I’m also investigating transcranial magnetic stimulation? I know there’s a lot of success with it and if it gets me off of some drugs, I think it’s worth exploring. However, the thing that makes me hesitant at this time is the scheduling of it. Because you know, the life of a chronically ill girlie is never simple. It’s a 6 week commitment. And as someone who has monthly doctor appointments, combined with working a full-time job. It’s a lot. I’m also going into my next season of medical appointments. September looks to be a busy month, including my next kidney ultrasound. So thoughts/vibes/prayers for unremarkable kidneys would be great.

I also realized I have a weird recognition of healing: I will definitely hit my GoodReads goal and then some before the end of the year. I doubt I’ll make it back to 200 + books but I think I’m on track to hit 100+ this year.

July/August turned out to be a weird crafting month given I broke my sewing machine? My repairman said “it’s a piece of shit, please don’t invest anymore money into it.” He gave some recommendations, including getting an older machine with more metal parts. Which I kind of have now. My Mom had an extra machine that I’ll work with too, but I guess I’m in the market for a more high end machine? I have started playing around with English Paper Piecing, which has been good for me to do on my breaks while at work. Less doomscrolling is always a good thing.

Anywhoots, I think that’s about it? It’s been a long 3 years and then some. Thank you all for your support and love. It’s much appreciated.

Until next time.. this it the way.

sometimes you just gotta embrace the weird

I met my match today at the cancer center in terms of weird. There was a screw up in terms of my schedule – basically my oncologist’s medical assistant booked me for a 4 month follow up even though I had been told 6 months.. so the NP & oncologist were like “I don’t know why we’re meeting but it’s always good to see you.” Anywhoots, since I did see them the NP was like “we’re going to do a breast exam.” To which I responded: is it a breast exam if you don’t have breasts? It definitely puzzled her and was a good question. But since I was seeing them they did my blood work ( I think 6 vials – I’m not sure. It was a lot) but when the nurse came in she’s like “hello, I’m your vampire for the morning!” in the most friendly manner. To which I responded “I like your weird. I appreciate it.”

In addition to embracing the weird, I’m proud of myself for advocating for myself. It’s exhausting thought. Because I’m on Zometa, my dentist has me coming back every 4 months. At the last appointment, he wanted me to come back for a deep cleaning. Which lead to an infection. I wasn’t sure if it was an ear infection (tmi: I had ear wax in there per the urgent care visit) but I was in pain and had some swelling, so I called the dentist and they got me in. I’m on antibiotics and am feeling better but in addition to the bloodwork and lupron, I’m tired.

I have more thoughts – those will come later. I gotta get ready for work.

Confessions from a cancer patent (in remission)

I went in for my yearly exam with my gynecologist yesterday. As you can imagine, those are super duper fun (please take note of all sarcasm here).

With this specific appointment I think I can mentally prepare for one thing: that I will see expectant and happy mothers. I still remember 2023, sitting in the waiting room for my pre-op for my hysterectomy and being surrounded by pregnant people. It’s weird. I think this is a weird stage of mourning I’m in for the life I could’ve had and all these things cancer takes. It sucks. I acknowledge the suckiness. And then I move forward.

The one thing though about yesterday’s appointment that threw me off my game was my doctor’s medical assistant asking the date of my last period. Yes, I still see the same doctor that did the hysterectomy. WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THIS WHEN YOUR BOSS DID THIS SURGERY 2 YEARS AGO?

I don’t know if it’s the lack of time. Or the wanting to save paper and thus not having a list of prior surgeries, etc, out when checking in folks. But like this is on my medical history folks. Respect my journey enough so I don’t have to go apeshit on you. Side note: is apeshit one or two words? Side note to the side note: Google tells me 1 word.

As I previously wrote, I knew for a while kids weren’t for me. But some things still fucking suck.

Follow-up from my last post: I got a haircut. I was feeling brave this morning and just did it. Here’s to healing and moving forward. I’ll post a selfie soon with my new camera.

Still working on the brain stuff. But that will forever be a work in progress.

Until next time.. this is the way.

Reflections

Mother’s Day 2022: A clueless idiot. Grateful job postings seem to be opening up post-2020 and becoming more aware of a possible light at the end of the tunnel of working all the jobs.

Mother’s Day 2023: Processing the fact that I’m finally away from my work bully and mentally preparing for my first colonoscopy and a hysterectomy in the coming weeks.

Mother’s Day 2024: Dear God. Please make the fucking kidney stones stop. I’m exhausted and they’re driving me crazy. So much so that two days later I threw a hissy fit in the cancer center and got someone to take me seriously. and I’m turning 40 in a few weeks..ugh.

Mother’s Day 2025: Everything sucks. And am finally starting to process the hell that the last few years have put me through.

I always kind of knew I didn’t want to have to kids. I lost my dad to cancer when I was teen and the idea of putting my own child threw this never sat right with me. Then having to loose your fertility due to circumstances outside of your control (uterine cancer is something I’m predisposed for). Mother’s Day just sucks. Maybe this year was worse due to the fact I’m starting to process all the things and am starting to have the real estate in my bandwidth to start thinking about all this. Not just cancer, but the fact that I can tie a good chunk of my life’s struggles to this mutation. There’s a lot in my brain right now. But I’m trying. And I’m not trying to let the bad days win.

My biggest issue right now is that I’m afraid to cut my hair. Like it’s getting lengthy. It’s been almost 3 years since shaving my head. A trim probably wouldn’t hurt… but the idea brings on the anxiety.

So what’s next?

Working some brain health stuff. Trying to plan a long weekend in Austin to visit a friend. Maybe rewatching The Thunderbolts* again because holy cow that is an AMAZING movie. Turning 41. And upping my sewing skills.

Also, last but not least: Tiny Chef is maybe my new favorite thing to watch..

Until next time.. this is the way.

I am no Jedi.

It is Star Wars month and today is May the 4th. I’m low-key celebrating, but not doing anything too big. I think I’m just going through the motions as I”m trying to come out of the fog. I’ve contained myself when it comes to spending given that there are all the sales today. The one Star Wars indulgence I allowed myself was the Chopper lego. Because Chopper is the bestest chaotic boy ever.

In my writer’s group, we had a couple of prompts: one about crises and the other about who is your favorite fictional character. I think I’ve found a way to combine the two. I’m not sure, but here’s a draft of what I wrote:

Churchill said: never let a good crisis go to waste. While I’ve been through more than my fair share, I do think that I find strength in characters from pop culture. One particular franchise comes to mind: Star Wars.  Do I have a favorite character from there? Yes. I think Leia’s strength and courage are admirable, and the will to carry on when the buckets of turd continue to hit the fan are something to admire. I think Ahsoka Tano is great because she knew when to walk away from the Jedi order but still fought the good fight. Chewbacca being a fierce warrior but also a giant softy at the end of the day. The droids. Chopper is the most baddest, craziest and no fucks given droid ever. He also has the biggest kill count in all of Star Wars, which is saying quite a bit given how many younglings Anakin killed. R2-D2: another loyal companion and well versed on how to keep a secret as the droid never had his memory wiped.  There’s a lot to admire in that world. I’ve only scratched some of the surface, but Star Wars definitely holds a space in my heart and is one of my comforts when crises do happen.

Until next time.. this is the way.